Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
