I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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