it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize