Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
