This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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