the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
