I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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