I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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