Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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