My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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