Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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