I met the friendliest cop last night
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
