And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
birth control should be required to get into college
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.