He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day