Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
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It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
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he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.