mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
