You just made me feel so damn special
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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