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I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
