just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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