"it" just moved
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
