I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
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I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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