apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
