Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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