Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
