So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
