I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
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I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
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I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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