my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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