Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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