My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you had me at cake vodka
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
