a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Everclear isn't food dammit
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
