My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
