oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
