Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
