just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
