Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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