just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
