So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
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Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize