At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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