maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
