Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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