i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
