ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
