Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
