Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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