Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
