Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
