so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
