i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.