Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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