I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
