I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
