Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
