seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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