when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
