so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
