The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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