I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Never let your siblings swipe right.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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