low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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